We're past the three-quarter mark now and I realised I haven't blogged half as much as I intended to. This is partly because I managed to keep myself busy but mainly because I find it incredibly difficult to talk about when I'm not coping. Nobody wants to listen to that.
I started off strong, but the list I had made still remains untouched. After two months of optimism the positivity had turned to bravado. Biting my tongue when I smiled. Everything appeared to carry on as normal but it felt like I was working on autopilot. My heart was heavy. The thought of still having another half to go was overwhelming. It was already too long since I saw his face light up because he was delighted with something I had said or done. Too long since he grabbed my hand to kiss it, or pull me to him for a quick squeeze, or any of the million ways we connected.
Photos of him he sent to me no longer made me feel closer. He was changing. He was tanned with muscles popping out everywhere. I was pleased for him but at the same time beginning to resent that his appearance should be so unfamiliar. I would cover the lower half of his face in the photos with my hand and see no smile in his eyes, just tiredness.
It was finally sinking in what I'd let myself in for. I was growing accustomed to the constant feeling of missing him, it was no more or less with each new day. I missed him as much as physically possible all the time and it was exhausting.
But I can't let go of that feeling. I don't want to move on and start again when he gets back. Everything was perfect before he left and I've tried to suspend it all so nothing would fade or be lost. I'll only know if it's worked when he is home again. If we click together like before as brand new jigsaw pieces or if the edges have become a little worn and need flattening out.
The worst bit is the waiting. I hate waiting for anything. I feel like I'm wasting my life waiting. But I know I would never give up so getting down about it would only be a waste too. I will be so grateful to have him home, his absence will only make being together again so much more special.
And it's not much longer now! I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope the next tunnel is far, far away.
